First-date rituals feel like a cross between surviving a bad therapy session and acing a job interview. Before you've even had the chance to sample the appetizers, your date has already sketched your profile and stamped "X" on your amor-passport next to "Marriage," Friendship," "Fling," or "None of the Above." (Translate: Grownup, Doubles Tennis Partner, Week-long fun, or Check, Please).As singles in search for love, our tendency to size up our dates leaves us quickly losing interest and reeling into a romantic recession. And we wonder why we become serial daters!
Jen Macaluso, owner of Something Different for Woman, LLC, coaches women on personal growth and self-empowerment. Macaluso also thinks differently about contemporary dating practices than just about anyone I know. Recently, she highlighted seven clear and practical tips for leveraging that nerve-wracking first date into a second, third, and maybe even a fourth!
1. Get Clear
Most daters are unclear about their motivations and goals. Are you looking to find a steady relationship or indulge in a short-term involvement? Your initial intent will make all the difference in adjusting and framing expectations. For example, if your heart meter screams "relationship," you might consider trading a rendezvous with Joe the Womanizer for pleasant conversation and dinner with Joe the Nice, instead.
2. Don't Think You're in a Disney Movie
We all love our Hollywood fairytales. I mean, who wouldn't want to be whisked away in a limo as "pretty woman," meet her soul mate on top of the Empire State Building, or be Carrie Bradshaw? But in the desperation to re-create fairy tales in real life, we make it harder for ourselves to actually find love. Macaluso argues, "Actors fall in love quickly and live happily ever after. Real people fall in love slowly and fully." Or, one's a dash, and the other is a marathon.
3. Keep the Chemistry in Science Class
Most single women assume that if they're not instantly engaged in clothes-tearing gymnastics on a first date, they will hear a signal-alert. But Macaluso is careful to differentiate initial vs. later-stage attraction. Couples who find themselves in an intense mode at first glance may be inclined to a quicker separation when the physical chemistry wanes. Also, feeling an instant magnetism towards someone can be dangerous, since we are usually attracted to what we know and not what is good for us.
4. Listen to the Tug in Your Heart
Instead of scouting for fireworks during your date, listen for the gentle tug in your heart. Did your date say or do something admirable? Did you both share any pleasant, surprising, or warm commonalities? You might be surprised to learn that the early "nice" of your first few dates will turn swiftly into sparks.
5. Leave the List on Your Fridge
It's a good idea to know what you want in a partner, but carrying your top 10 list around in your head, especially during a first date, might prevent you from actually connecting. Instead of nitpicking your date's have-not's, nitpick for the have's. Leave the critic at home and approach your date, open and willing!
6. Watch Your Vibe
Be aware of the vibe you carry and send to others. They will invariably respond to it! If your vibe screams "stay away," better to stay home and hang in your PJs. Many of Macaluso's dating clients wonder why they don't land that second call following their first date. Take responsibility for your vibe: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Make sure your words align with your energy.
7. Give It at Least Four Dates!
Don't expect to have your date figured out after two hours. Think back on your record of past first impressions, have a laugh, and admit how far off base they were. If your date was nice enough, why not try to get to know him/her better? Many of Macaluso's clients were pleasantly surprised to develop an intense attraction to their date after persevering through the first three or four. So can you.
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