Overcoming Jealousy : A Dating Challenge:

It's the feeling that wells up inside when a date speaks highly of an attractive coworker or when your soul mate seems a little too happy to see an ex at a party -- it's dating jealousy and it can take hold of you so fast and so hard that it leaves you and your relationship destroyed. Don't let jealousy take over your life: Follow these dating steps toward overcoming the green-eyed monster in you.

1. Leave the Players and the Flirts Behind

One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to not get involved with flirts and players. There are singles out there who will thrive on making you jealous because they like the dating drama and attention. If you're jealous, they know that you are constantly obsessing over them and dwelling on them. By provoking your jealousy, they've just made themselves the center of your universe. Instead, be smart -- kick them out of your universe and find a better date.

2. Determine if You're Jealous in This Relationship or Every Relationship

In order to overcome jealousy, you've got to figure out whether you're being real or being paranoid. Normal jealousy can actually serve a purpose. It's there to alert you to a partner's possible infidelity -- a threat to the relationship. Is your relationship actually being threatened or is the jealousy in your head only? A good way to figure out if there's a basis to your jealousy is to reflect on your past relationships. Are you always jealous even if you haven't had a reason to be? Do you have trust issues in every relationship or just this one? Also, talk to some friends or family who can be objective about the situation and help you sort out your jealous feelings -- a counselor can also be helpful with this.

3. Get Confident in Dating

The source of a lot of the jealousy has nothing to do with what your date does; it lies within you. If you're upset because your date drools a little when he or she sees a fashion model or celebrity in a magazine, don't start comparing yourself to that image. Work on your dating confidence and focus on all you have to offer. Then, your envy of others will dramatically decrease.

4. Talk It Through

Learn to communicate your jealous feelings in a healthy way. For instance, let your mate know that you're jealous about the amount of time the attractive coworker gets to spend with him or her. Make sure as you're talking, you're not accusing. Accusing makes any person defensive, and you won't get anywhere.

5. Draw the Line

Particularly, if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you need to establish what behaviors are acceptable to you and what behaviors will bring out the green-eyed monster in you. Are you okay with your partner constantly texting a single man -- or single woman? Will that send you over the edge? How do you feel about your partner dancing with someone else at a club when you aren't around? Establishing reasonable boundaries and respecting them gets both of you on the same playing field. The keyword here is reasonable. Setting a boundary like "Don't talk to any single men -- or single women -- you work with" is an impossible and smothering line to draw.

6. Strengthen Your Relationship in Other Ways

If you're overly jealous when there isn't a whole lot of reason to be, it means that your relationship isn't as strong as it should be. You need to evaluate what's lacking. Are you not spending enough quality time together? Has the passion died down over the years? Once you identify what's really concerning you, then you can address it with your partner and work on strengthening the relationship rather than wasting time and energy on empty jealous feelings.

Dating : The Truth About Why Men Cheat

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and non cheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. " In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Dating : Dealing With the Face Factor

A recent study on racial preferences of online daters provides some interesting findings. Based on profile-searching criteria set by singles using dating website, the UCI case study reveals that gender plays an important role in interracial preferences: Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women, and African American women bear the brunt of discrimination from Caucasian men. UCI researchers say that "the stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices" and are a contributing factor.

The cross-cultural revolution is not going to be launched on the Internet dating scene, where people often follow racial stereotypes when looking for love, the researchers said.

In spite of these findings, there's always an exception to the norm, and I should know as an ABC (American-Born Chinese) who met and married another type of ABC (American Brazilian Caucasian -- yes, I just made that up). Like any couple we've had our ups and downs, but we've somehow managed to bond well for almost a decade.

For those of you involved with a date -- or mate -- of a different race, check out these obstacles of interracial dating and ways to overcome them.

Dating Obstacle #1. The Traditionalists

I've encountered several people who possess strong opinions about interracial dating: A South African told me that people should date within their own race; my Korean American friend found it inconceivable to betroth a white woman; some Asian guys I've met told me they loathe competing with white guys to woo Asian bachelorettes.

Yes, the resistance against interracial dating persists, even in the diverse San Francisco Bay Area where I live. You should consider that citizens in most U.S. states were legally banned from marrying outside of their race until 1967.

How do you cope?

Surround yourself with pals who tolerate diversity. As individuals, we have an innate desire to be understood; and as an interracial couple, the desire remains the same. You must learn to accept adversity and not let it influence your individual judgment. The acceptance you receive from a circle of friends strips away your sensitivity to snide comments that oppose your open dating preferences.

Dating Obstacle #2. The Stereotypes From Mass Media

Can you blame the TV producers and advertisers for playing it safe by catering to the majority? After all, they measure what appeals to a mass audience and go with what we're familiar with. It's no mystery that stereotyping the population is much easier than representing eclectic subgroups within our population. As an expected result of this, the general public absorbs oversimplified images of various ethnic groups -- and how they pair up -- in every media imaginable.

How do you cope?

Recognizing the biased reality of the media business in itself resolves much of the adverse impact of broadcasted stereotypes. Avoid "keeping up with the Joneses" and don't think you have to date like all the idealized couples the generic media fodder has fed you. Boil your beliefs down to what really matters to you, and you'll become stereotype-resistant.

Dating Obstacle #3. The Offensive Family Member

It happens: You'll attend a family gathering where your estranged uncle shows that he may not be as culturally enlightened as the rest of your family. The off-color jokes spew out of his mouth. He snickers. You're in shock. Your significant other is in shock. The tension builds while you attempt to cool the blood that boils within you.

How do you cope?

Realize that there may always be a family member, or friend, who has trouble thinking before uttering insensitive opinions or bluntly racist remarks. Prepare for these confrontations. Let that person know if you think his/her comments are offensive, and choose honest yet eloquent ways to respond. Practice what you'll say and when you'll say it -- so when the situation happens, you won't let your emotions get the best of you. If this person is worth dealing with, he/she will respect your straightforwardness.

Silence will only prolong the issue. Share your thoughts to show that you care about how you interact with everyone, and vice versa. This is not the time to be shy. Demand respect. You deserve it.

Dating Obstacle #4. The Gazers

I know. It gets old. Not everybody is used to seeing an interracial couple. People will stare at you. They may even display a frown or a furrowed brow.

How do you cope?

Ignore the natural response of attempting to read their minds. Who knows what they're thinking when they stare: Maybe they admire you two as a couple, or they like your threads, or they just haven't seen your "kind" before, or they're waiting for you two to show some affection so they can label you as a couple rather than friends. It's pointless to keep wondering.

Instead, imagine you're a celebrity. In fact, you are. You might well be the spectacle of the day for them. Thrive and celebrate your uniqueness. These public encounters add flavor to the otherwise bland experiences of their lives. You're simply desensitizing them to the notion of colorblind dating. Sooner or later, they won't look twice ... because they've seen it before.

Dating : Things Singles Must Know

I'm sensing a lot of pain out there these days... from singles emailing me their dating frustrations to my fellow dating blogger Ryan calling himself Mr. Lonelyheart to the single women expressing dismay from watching reruns of the latest episode of "The Bachelor." I put together a few things I've learned in my 30 years as a usually single person. This is for my own sake, too -- I have to remind myself to practice them. Here they are, in no particular order:

#1 Dating Tip: Learn to Live With Uncertainty

Man, I wish I could plan and control everything that happens in my life. But hey, there are far worse things than not knowing your romantic future. Imagine being diagnosed with breast cancer, treating it, and beating it... but still wondering at every next mammogram if the cancer will have come back. That's living with uncertainty. People do it every day.

#2 Dating Tip: Be Patient

Everything takes longer than we expect -- getting that next job or promotion, waiting for a guy to commit, or finding a house or roommate or soulmate. Did I ever think I'd be single in 2009? NEVER. But the reason I'm not walking around in shock about it is because of another lesson I've learned -- namely, that life always surprises you.

#3 Dating Tip: Practice a Positive Attitude

I have many friends who are blessed with loving husbands, children, dogs, luxury cars... even a swimming pool out back. They appear to have it all. But I cannot resent my friends their happiness. That's so lame. Things will work out for me! They will.

#4 Dating Tip: Realize That Life Is Seriously Beautiful

Even though George Clooney isn't sitting on your couch and proposing marriage (yet), you have other beautiful, moving things (e.g. the Beatles, a blue sky, good literature). Whenever I take the time to notice something bellissimo... well, I won't get all religious on you, but if you actually thank God or Buddha or throw it out to the universe, it reminds you there are bigger things than poor old you and your loneliness (thank goodness for that!).

#5 Dating Tip: Stay in the Present

You know when you're singing by yourself, and you're actively recalling the lyrics and swaying, and then you get down on your knees and really belt out that money note? Well, that's living in the moment. Sing, write, dance -- do anything engaging. Just get in the zone as often as possible. The zone will save you.

#6 Dating Tip: Laugh at Yourself

This is a must. Also laugh at other people or characters. I recommend watching the Bridget Jones movies.