Dating Challenge: Crossing the 'Friend Zone'

 

You've had feelings for your friend for a while and you're worried about crossing the line and ruining the friendship. That's not really true, of course, but that's what you keep telling yourself so you can justify not putting yourself on the line and risking rejection.

Sure -- it's possible to love a friend of the opposite sex without picturing him or her in bed. Having feelings for your friend doesn't necessarily prove Harry's theory in "When Harry Met Sally" who famously declared that "No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

There are exceptions to Harry's rule, but one thing is certain -- being seen as just a friend by all the people you want to date can be frustrating. So here are a few ways to prevent being stuck in (cue scary music): 'The Friend Zone':

1. Do Flirt

It's okay if romance is on your brain when you greet your friend. In fact, it can fuel the chemistry. It's good for your friend to catch you subtly checking him or her out. As long as you're not drooling or gawking, it can be sexy. You want your friend to think he or she imagined the look. Light touching and sincere and specific compliments are great for flirting, too.

2. Don't Be the Problem Solver

Are you on speed dial every time your friend needs something fixed or wants to process a bad relationship? It's nice to help your friend occasionally, but make sure you're not the one he or she associates with problems.

If you do come over to help, mention that you're happy to assist for an hour but have plans after that. Better to remain a little mysterious and have your friend wondering who else is getting your attention.

3. Have Fun

Create unique memories. You're aware of your friend's passions, so initiate fun and interesting activities that you know your friend will enjoy but isn't doing with others.

And -- if someone has dumped you, confide in a friend you don't have feelings for! Remember to keep an upbeat attitude and stay confident -- those are two of the most attractive qualities cited by singles when looking for a mate.

Of course, not every friendship ends with a romantic happy ending and you may have to be prepared that your crush just wants to stay your friend. You'll have to decide if that's enough for you.

In the meantime, if you feel like you often end up in the friend zone with people you want to date, plant some of these seeds and see if anything grows in your relationship. Sometimes a glass of wine or a flirtatious exchange can change the dynamic... and you look at each other and wonder why it took so long.

Dating Older Women :: Perspectives from the "younger men" and dating tips for them

The reasons why some men date older women are as varied as the women themselves. These women, because of their experience, often have more wisdom and self-assurance than younger women -- perhaps they may also possess more self-reliance and tolerance.

Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well. Clearer about who they are and what they want, "older women" may even have an advantage in the dating arena.

In some cases, having a relationship with an older woman may work for men who don't want children:

"My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years," says Rocco. "She was 53 and I was 41 when we met. We both shared many values, including our faith. Our children are grown up now, and mine love her. So, it's worked out very well. I tell men who have been divorced at least once to go for an older woman... If you find the right one, don't worry about age -- unless you still want more children."

A man who dates someone who has children his age will run into the occassional social opposition. But there are men (like Ben, 25, who is dating a 45-year-old woman) who can overcome resistance. Ben says:

"A woman can be 25 and marry a man of 45 or 55 and, hey, whatever. Traditionally, it's been ingrained in our psyches... that's the way it goes, but not the other way around. We've always known that age may be an issue. But now that we've been together for a while, I have a new perspective.

Not all men are comfortable dating older women. Some men, like Clyde, worry about the future. Clyde says:

"I dated a woman who is 15 years older. We dated for a bit and then settled into just enjoying each others company. She has a fit body and is an attractive woman. People said to me, why don't I commit to her if we enjoy each other's company? I told them I worried about how things would feel in 10 years when she's over 60 and I'm in my 40s... And then further down the years."

Through my experience as a therapist and marriage counselor, age difference isn't as important in a relationship as most people think. What counts is whether a couple can create a working partnership and build an enjoyable life together. So, for you men who've fallen head-over-heels in love with an older woman, I've developed nine tips on how to enjoy your newly found romance:

1. Be a gentleman. An older woman wants to be treated with respect, like any woman does. While she might attracted to your rebelliousness or youthful attitude, she still wants you to treat her with good manners.

2. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't worry about the future until you actually might have one. Take your time and allow the relationship to develop.

3. Stay calm. You may be excited, but don't overdo it. Have fun and enjoy your dates, but don't come on too strong. She has some reservations, too.

4. Be charming. Don't underestimate how powerful your smile can be. Use it often, make eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you about your date, and show interest in her opinions, experiences, and activities. Be complimentary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever she says.

5. Don't focus on looks. Give compliments, but focus less on her physical appearance -- she may be anxious about it. And even if you're complimentary, she may worry that you're too focused on looks. She wants to be appreciated for who she is, including her intellect and style. Compliments like "That color is lovely on you," or "You look great tonight" are safer than "You're in great shape."

6. Have fun. Keep your dates simple and have a good time. Focus on being pleasant, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship. Refrain from talking too long about any one subject without inviting a comment from your date.

7. Keep conversation interesting and light. Feel free to talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don't be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into her private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered.

8. Avoid talking too much about yourself. Keep your focus on learning about your date. Dole out the boring information about yourself. Punctuate your conversation with questions: "What do you think?" "Has it been that way for you?"

9. Pay attention! Listen to answers to your questions. You have things to learn here! Seek to get to know each other better. No matter how thrilled you may be about her, listening to what she says, watching what she does, and understanding how she feels are the most important things you can do.

NO Matter Who Pays, First Date Must be Cheap

The first date is always very very crucial to the development of any new relationship. If you can manage everything successfully, your first date will be a great one , but you will have a bad time on the other hand if you can't and you will find your relationship almost over!
The things you will do and the place you will select for your very first date should always be under great consideration. For men, it is quite important to keep trying to understand what the lady is thinking or what she wants. You can take her to do something she enjoys and everything else will likely fall into lace. but if you go somewhere boring, you will have a hard time making your beloved happy.

It is our common nature that we always expected a guy to pay for most of the expenses in a first date. The guy should pay, especially if he does the asking, but we encourage even a halfheartedly mumbled attempt by the woman to spring for something like a round of drinks, the tip, 10 percent of the bail bond. This is mainly because such a gesture works wonders to build up a new relationship.

Most often all of the responses were from guys, most o f whom felt victimized to some degree by women who wanted a free lunch, or dinner, or gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow (more about that later). Most Interestingly, no women in the meantime wrote in outraged about how our opinion perpetuates the stereotype of men having to coddle and take care of the opposite sex because they can't even take care of themselves.

In any case, one of the missives stood out from the rest, and not just because it sailed through the transom affixed to a brick. It was from a guy named Rob (we won't identify him further, in case he might ever want to try dating again), who felt we weren't hard enough on women who seem to expect to be wined and dined ad infinitum. To illustrate his argument,

he broke down his expenses fo r a recent first date, from $7 for parking to $95 for a comedy show and drinks. Oh, and with a high-end dinner in between. The total was around $200 for, he said, "someone I barely even know."

To which we can only respond, what, no private jet to Maui for a hot-stone massage in Hana?

Say what you will about who should pay for first dates (please discuss among yourselves, because we're officially sick of the topic), but Rob caused his own problem by going too far, too fast. And that's not something you'll hear very often from this space.

Which brings us to today's lesson: What is an appropriate activity for a first date?

(Let's stipulate that this is not an online-dating first date, for which the only acceptable venue is a Starbucks, or a crowded bar with two exits, preferably one near the restrooms. No, this is a true first date, arrived at only after a certain amount of flirting, emailing and driving by her house 50 times.)

The movies : No. Too much time spent in tortured silence. There will be plenty of opportunity for that later in the relationship.

Gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow : No. This smacks of trying too hard. And what if she doesn't even like beefalo jerky and Coors Light?

Parking, drinks, dinner, comedy show : No. See above. And Rob, enough with the dating cost/analysis spreadsheets. OK? Thanks.

Dinner : Yes. Provided it's at a modest place (sometimes knows as a "joint") that doesn't serve a diminutive entree on a plate the size of a manhole cover. The fact is, most women are uncomfortable with first dates that are too lavish. (Or have we been misinformed yet again? Ladies?)

Bowling : Yes. Because if one of you is demonstrably better than the other, you can put up the gutter bumpers and increase beer frames from one to three. In fact, we recommend that from the outset.

The Boardwalk (or amusement park) : Yes, if it's at night. Everyone looks better in the glow of pulsating neon. Particularly those who've just come from a grueling session at the Stardust Lanes.