Overcoming Jealousy : A Dating Challenge:

It's the feeling that wells up inside when a date speaks highly of an attractive coworker or when your soul mate seems a little too happy to see an ex at a party -- it's dating jealousy and it can take hold of you so fast and so hard that it leaves you and your relationship destroyed. Don't let jealousy take over your life: Follow these dating steps toward overcoming the green-eyed monster in you.

1. Leave the Players and the Flirts Behind

One of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to not get involved with flirts and players. There are singles out there who will thrive on making you jealous because they like the dating drama and attention. If you're jealous, they know that you are constantly obsessing over them and dwelling on them. By provoking your jealousy, they've just made themselves the center of your universe. Instead, be smart -- kick them out of your universe and find a better date.

2. Determine if You're Jealous in This Relationship or Every Relationship

In order to overcome jealousy, you've got to figure out whether you're being real or being paranoid. Normal jealousy can actually serve a purpose. It's there to alert you to a partner's possible infidelity -- a threat to the relationship. Is your relationship actually being threatened or is the jealousy in your head only? A good way to figure out if there's a basis to your jealousy is to reflect on your past relationships. Are you always jealous even if you haven't had a reason to be? Do you have trust issues in every relationship or just this one? Also, talk to some friends or family who can be objective about the situation and help you sort out your jealous feelings -- a counselor can also be helpful with this.

3. Get Confident in Dating

The source of a lot of the jealousy has nothing to do with what your date does; it lies within you. If you're upset because your date drools a little when he or she sees a fashion model or celebrity in a magazine, don't start comparing yourself to that image. Work on your dating confidence and focus on all you have to offer. Then, your envy of others will dramatically decrease.

4. Talk It Through

Learn to communicate your jealous feelings in a healthy way. For instance, let your mate know that you're jealous about the amount of time the attractive coworker gets to spend with him or her. Make sure as you're talking, you're not accusing. Accusing makes any person defensive, and you won't get anywhere.

5. Draw the Line

Particularly, if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you need to establish what behaviors are acceptable to you and what behaviors will bring out the green-eyed monster in you. Are you okay with your partner constantly texting a single man -- or single woman? Will that send you over the edge? How do you feel about your partner dancing with someone else at a club when you aren't around? Establishing reasonable boundaries and respecting them gets both of you on the same playing field. The keyword here is reasonable. Setting a boundary like "Don't talk to any single men -- or single women -- you work with" is an impossible and smothering line to draw.

6. Strengthen Your Relationship in Other Ways

If you're overly jealous when there isn't a whole lot of reason to be, it means that your relationship isn't as strong as it should be. You need to evaluate what's lacking. Are you not spending enough quality time together? Has the passion died down over the years? Once you identify what's really concerning you, then you can address it with your partner and work on strengthening the relationship rather than wasting time and energy on empty jealous feelings.

Dating : The Truth About Why Men Cheat

What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. "Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys?" he thought. So for his new book, "The Truth About Cheating," Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and non cheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity -- including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:

48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.

So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about physical intimacy: Only 8 percent of men said that physical dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is to have physical intimacy with someone," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness -- and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."

66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.

The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your partner swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the relationship you want.

77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.

Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: "My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it." You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values -- it'll create an environment that supports marriage.

40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.

"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up -- and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.

Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.

In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get lucky with a better-looking body. " In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and physical intimacy comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering how to please him physically. (But know that physical intimacy does matter -- it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)

Only 6% of cheating men had physical intimacy with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.

Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs -- you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for physical intimacy, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating, especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control -- your own behavior -- and take the lead in bringing your relationship to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate affection more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try "I think we've started to lose something important in our relationship, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.

Dating : Dealing With the Face Factor

A recent study on racial preferences of online daters provides some interesting findings. Based on profile-searching criteria set by singles using dating website, the UCI case study reveals that gender plays an important role in interracial preferences: Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women, and African American women bear the brunt of discrimination from Caucasian men. UCI researchers say that "the stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices" and are a contributing factor.

The cross-cultural revolution is not going to be launched on the Internet dating scene, where people often follow racial stereotypes when looking for love, the researchers said.

In spite of these findings, there's always an exception to the norm, and I should know as an ABC (American-Born Chinese) who met and married another type of ABC (American Brazilian Caucasian -- yes, I just made that up). Like any couple we've had our ups and downs, but we've somehow managed to bond well for almost a decade.

For those of you involved with a date -- or mate -- of a different race, check out these obstacles of interracial dating and ways to overcome them.

Dating Obstacle #1. The Traditionalists

I've encountered several people who possess strong opinions about interracial dating: A South African told me that people should date within their own race; my Korean American friend found it inconceivable to betroth a white woman; some Asian guys I've met told me they loathe competing with white guys to woo Asian bachelorettes.

Yes, the resistance against interracial dating persists, even in the diverse San Francisco Bay Area where I live. You should consider that citizens in most U.S. states were legally banned from marrying outside of their race until 1967.

How do you cope?

Surround yourself with pals who tolerate diversity. As individuals, we have an innate desire to be understood; and as an interracial couple, the desire remains the same. You must learn to accept adversity and not let it influence your individual judgment. The acceptance you receive from a circle of friends strips away your sensitivity to snide comments that oppose your open dating preferences.

Dating Obstacle #2. The Stereotypes From Mass Media

Can you blame the TV producers and advertisers for playing it safe by catering to the majority? After all, they measure what appeals to a mass audience and go with what we're familiar with. It's no mystery that stereotyping the population is much easier than representing eclectic subgroups within our population. As an expected result of this, the general public absorbs oversimplified images of various ethnic groups -- and how they pair up -- in every media imaginable.

How do you cope?

Recognizing the biased reality of the media business in itself resolves much of the adverse impact of broadcasted stereotypes. Avoid "keeping up with the Joneses" and don't think you have to date like all the idealized couples the generic media fodder has fed you. Boil your beliefs down to what really matters to you, and you'll become stereotype-resistant.

Dating Obstacle #3. The Offensive Family Member

It happens: You'll attend a family gathering where your estranged uncle shows that he may not be as culturally enlightened as the rest of your family. The off-color jokes spew out of his mouth. He snickers. You're in shock. Your significant other is in shock. The tension builds while you attempt to cool the blood that boils within you.

How do you cope?

Realize that there may always be a family member, or friend, who has trouble thinking before uttering insensitive opinions or bluntly racist remarks. Prepare for these confrontations. Let that person know if you think his/her comments are offensive, and choose honest yet eloquent ways to respond. Practice what you'll say and when you'll say it -- so when the situation happens, you won't let your emotions get the best of you. If this person is worth dealing with, he/she will respect your straightforwardness.

Silence will only prolong the issue. Share your thoughts to show that you care about how you interact with everyone, and vice versa. This is not the time to be shy. Demand respect. You deserve it.

Dating Obstacle #4. The Gazers

I know. It gets old. Not everybody is used to seeing an interracial couple. People will stare at you. They may even display a frown or a furrowed brow.

How do you cope?

Ignore the natural response of attempting to read their minds. Who knows what they're thinking when they stare: Maybe they admire you two as a couple, or they like your threads, or they just haven't seen your "kind" before, or they're waiting for you two to show some affection so they can label you as a couple rather than friends. It's pointless to keep wondering.

Instead, imagine you're a celebrity. In fact, you are. You might well be the spectacle of the day for them. Thrive and celebrate your uniqueness. These public encounters add flavor to the otherwise bland experiences of their lives. You're simply desensitizing them to the notion of colorblind dating. Sooner or later, they won't look twice ... because they've seen it before.

Dating : Things Singles Must Know

I'm sensing a lot of pain out there these days... from singles emailing me their dating frustrations to my fellow dating blogger Ryan calling himself Mr. Lonelyheart to the single women expressing dismay from watching reruns of the latest episode of "The Bachelor." I put together a few things I've learned in my 30 years as a usually single person. This is for my own sake, too -- I have to remind myself to practice them. Here they are, in no particular order:

#1 Dating Tip: Learn to Live With Uncertainty

Man, I wish I could plan and control everything that happens in my life. But hey, there are far worse things than not knowing your romantic future. Imagine being diagnosed with breast cancer, treating it, and beating it... but still wondering at every next mammogram if the cancer will have come back. That's living with uncertainty. People do it every day.

#2 Dating Tip: Be Patient

Everything takes longer than we expect -- getting that next job or promotion, waiting for a guy to commit, or finding a house or roommate or soulmate. Did I ever think I'd be single in 2009? NEVER. But the reason I'm not walking around in shock about it is because of another lesson I've learned -- namely, that life always surprises you.

#3 Dating Tip: Practice a Positive Attitude

I have many friends who are blessed with loving husbands, children, dogs, luxury cars... even a swimming pool out back. They appear to have it all. But I cannot resent my friends their happiness. That's so lame. Things will work out for me! They will.

#4 Dating Tip: Realize That Life Is Seriously Beautiful

Even though George Clooney isn't sitting on your couch and proposing marriage (yet), you have other beautiful, moving things (e.g. the Beatles, a blue sky, good literature). Whenever I take the time to notice something bellissimo... well, I won't get all religious on you, but if you actually thank God or Buddha or throw it out to the universe, it reminds you there are bigger things than poor old you and your loneliness (thank goodness for that!).

#5 Dating Tip: Stay in the Present

You know when you're singing by yourself, and you're actively recalling the lyrics and swaying, and then you get down on your knees and really belt out that money note? Well, that's living in the moment. Sing, write, dance -- do anything engaging. Just get in the zone as often as possible. The zone will save you.

#6 Dating Tip: Laugh at Yourself

This is a must. Also laugh at other people or characters. I recommend watching the Bridget Jones movies.

The Worst Mistakes in Dating by Men and Women

My dating life is always amusing. Most of the hilarity originates from my dates' dating blunders. Particularly, I have been out with single man who make these misguided dating moves:

• Splashing on excessive amounts of cologne. I don't need to smell you from across the table... I know you exist.
• Wearing globs of hair gel. The wet-hair look has thankfully passed a decade ago, or is that wishful thinking?
• Yammering on about ex-girlfriends. I want to get to know you first, not the women you've been with. Use your guy friend to cry on, not me.
• Suggesting they want an "open relationship." Hold it, buddy. Are you interested in me or my best friend? Make up your mind because versatility in this case doesn't get you dating points.

You may ask, "Who am I to judge these guys?" It's true: I'm no dating savant. I make dating mistakes too. For instance, I'll shower a potential partner with oodles of attention -- I blame the creation of instant messaging for this. Other times, I'll come off so cool or hard-to-get that the guy forgets we're even dating.

At times, I wish Dating tips were taught back in college. I'd be a dating expert by now. To improve my odds, and your odds, in connecting with that special someone, I embarked on a dating research project by talking with two dating experts about the major dating mistakes women make in the Big City.

Here are four of the worst dating offenses made by single women:

1. Getting lazy about love

Nancy Slotnick, dating coach and author of the book "Turn Your Cablight On -- Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less" claims that you can't expect love to find you these days. Many people don't make an effort to date and wonder why they're still single. She recommends spending at least 15 hours a week looking for love like you would look for a new job. She recommends networking by going to events, online dating, and doing whatever it might take to meet someone special.

2. Giving off the wrong dating signals

Many smart and successful women think they intimidate single men. But Slotnick thinks the opposite is true. "Men actually like successful single women. They just don't always know that these women are interested in them." Women should give off the right signals and use body language to show interest. For example, if you're at a bar, stand next to the single man you find attractive and smile at him. At the same time, don't overdo it. Make sure you're smiling and not staring!

3. Listening to words before actions

My good friend and dating coach Andrea Syrtash always reminds me that men especially speak with actions before their words. Sure, he said he would call you next week, but did he? He talked about how fun it would be to go away together for the weekend, but did he make plans with you? Pay close attention to how your date acts versus what he says. The language of behavior says it all!

4. Sticking with cyber-communication

Most of us have heard that countless couples have been formed through online dating. At a wedding, I even heard a couple thank an online dating site in their vows! While I credit the Web for producing countless love matches, technology can often put too many screens up between us. We develop superficial relationships over text, instant messaging, and email. After getting comfortable with someone online, get past the initial stage of dating and lay off the gadgets a bit! Make time to hang out in person to really get to know someone -- not just the personas they present online or on the phone.

Dating Tips : Getting Into a Man's Head

How many times have you wondered, "What is this guy thinking!" If you want to get into a man's heart, you have to start by getting into his head. The problem is many men have a hard time being open about their thoughts and feelings.

Armed with the following five techniques, a man will feel more comfortable opening up to you, so you can develop better communication with him and, ultimately, enjoy a better relationship.

1. Let him know you care about what he is saying. A man won't open up to you unless he knows you care. One of the best ways to convey this to him is through your body language. To show your interest, unfold your arms, lean into him and allow your eyes to meet his in a natural way. Let him know that you get what he is saying with a nod of the head or a raise of your brow.

Also, try "mirroring," which means that you absorb his body movement and convey it back to him. So if he looks stressed telling a story, you look stressed as well. It's like saying, "I feel what you are feeling. I'm putting myself in your shoes."

2. Be nonjudgmental.

No man is going to let you into his real thoughts if he senses he is going to be criticized or put down. Leave out comments like "How could you do something like that?" or "That's not something I would do."

Give him the freedom to express himself openly and honestly without judgment and you'll be surprised at all that comes out. You don't have to condone or agree with everything he says. You're simply creating an environment where he has the freedom to say it.

3. Don't use the word "why."

When psychotherapists are in training, they are often taught to erase the word "why" from their vocabulary, because "why" questions frequently sound negative and critical.

When you ask a man, "Why did you do it that way?" it can come across as "Are you stupid, why on earth would you choose to do it that way?" Now he's on the defensive before you even finish the sentence. Practice using substitutes such as "Tell me more about it" instead of "Why did you do it?"

4. Never say, "We need to talk."

Nothing makes a man want to talk less than hearing "We need to talk." It conveys the message that he's done something wrong, he's in trouble for it, and you are going to let him have it. He will shut down before the conversation starts.

The best way to bring up an important topic is to ease into it. Choose a time when you are both doing a small task together such as light cleaning or cooking, which takes the harsh focus away from "the talk" and will make him more comfortable. Remember not to approach him while he is involved in something important to him like Monday night football.

5. Learn how to really listen.

Chances are you always listen to him but you don't always hear him. How many times have you had something else on your mind as he is talking to you? Or maybe you are thinking about what you're going to say next instead of paying full attention.

It's important to stay in the "hear" and now with him, rather than letting your own thoughts or the outside world intrude. A man can sense when you really want to hear what he has to say -- true listening is the best way to get him talking true to you.

Dating Dilemma: Is She Attracted to Me?

I get so many emails from single men asking me this question: "How do I know if she is attracted to me on a date?"

This a great question, and knowing the answer will make going in for that kiss become her idea and not yours. That's right, guys -- the first kiss has to be her idea. She has to want it and desire it, and learning what her body language is saying is key to the first kiss and knowing if she is attracted to you.

When you are out on a date, sit across from her at a table, or if you are about to sit in a booth, let her sit down first and see where she invites you to sit. Some women will invite you to sit right down next to them in the booth and some will not. If she invites you to sit down next to her, she is telling you that she has an initial attraction to you.

Be a listener, not a talker

The first step to making the date a true success is to listen to what she is saying. Pay attention to the details, and react to what she has to say. That does not mean that you can't share a story or two about yourself, but the best dates are the ones where you're in a listening and reacting mode rather than a talking and bragging mode.

Of course, she wants to hear about who you are and what you are all about. She does not want to hear you brag about how much money you have or how successful you are. She also does not want to know about your negative dating history.

She wants to know about what you have learned in life to this point. She wants to see how positive a person you are, and she wants to imagine being able to hang out with you.

There is a lot to learn about a first date. I really suggest you book one hour of phone time with me to go over all of this. So if you desire to be the guy who women want, then email me right now and let's book that hour.

How to read body language cues

Now what type of body language should you be looking for when you're sitting across from her at that table?

Pay attention to her eyes. One sign of attraction is when her eyes are open really wide, and her pupils are enlarged when you are talking or when she is talking to you.

Another sign of attraction is that when you are speaking, she will lean her body into you and literally be drawn in with your words. She will not get up and go to the bathroom. She will sit there and not want to miss a single second of the date:

• She will not look at her watch.
• She will not look around the room.
• She will be totally fixated on you the whole time.
• She will play with her hair and lick her lips before she moves towards you, because she is creating a sexual feeling inside her.
• She will reach her hand across the table and glance at yours.
• She will touch your shoulder or another part of you very casually.
• When she is speaking, she will touch her leg or her face, imagining it was you who was touching her.

There are many others, but these are a few good ones to get you started. Keep in mind that what she is doing and communicating with her body is on a subconscious level. She is not aware of what she is doing, and that is what makes this so powerful.

One last thing: How do you know after all of this that she wants the kiss?

She wants the kiss if, when you walk her to the car, she lingers and keeps talking and looking at you. What you do then is go in, move towards her lips, and see what she does. Then pull to the side and give her a hug. This will create tension. If she then talks more, look at her, touch her face and move in for the kiss.

Do You Know How to Stop Serial Dating?

First-date rituals feel like a cross between surviving a bad therapy session and acing a job interview. Before you've even had the chance to sample the appetizers, your date has already sketched your profile and stamped "X" on your amor-passport next to "Marriage," Friendship," "Fling," or "None of the Above." (Translate: Grownup, Doubles Tennis Partner, Week-long fun, or Check, Please).

As singles in search for love, our tendency to size up our dates leaves us quickly losing interest and reeling into a romantic recession. And we wonder why we become serial daters!

Jen Macaluso, owner of Something Different for Woman, LLC, coaches women on personal growth and self-empowerment. Macaluso also thinks differently about contemporary dating practices than just about anyone I know. Recently, she highlighted seven clear and practical tips for leveraging that nerve-wracking first date into a second, third, and maybe even a fourth!

1. Get Clear

Most daters are unclear about their motivations and goals. Are you looking to find a steady relationship or indulge in a short-term involvement? Your initial intent will make all the difference in adjusting and framing expectations. For example, if your heart meter screams "relationship," you might consider trading a rendezvous with Joe the Womanizer for pleasant conversation and dinner with Joe the Nice, instead.

2. Don't Think You're in a Disney Movie

We all love our Hollywood fairytales. I mean, who wouldn't want to be whisked away in a limo as "pretty woman," meet her soul mate on top of the Empire State Building, or be Carrie Bradshaw? But in the desperation to re-create fairy tales in real life, we make it harder for ourselves to actually find love. Macaluso argues, "Actors fall in love quickly and live happily ever after. Real people fall in love slowly and fully." Or, one's a dash, and the other is a marathon.

3. Keep the Chemistry in Science Class

Most single women assume that if they're not instantly engaged in clothes-tearing gymnastics on a first date, they will hear a signal-alert. But Macaluso is careful to differentiate initial vs. later-stage attraction. Couples who find themselves in an intense mode at first glance may be inclined to a quicker separation when the physical chemistry wanes. Also, feeling an instant magnetism towards someone can be dangerous, since we are usually attracted to what we know and not what is good for us.

4. Listen to the Tug in Your Heart

Instead of scouting for fireworks during your date, listen for the gentle tug in your heart. Did your date say or do something admirable? Did you both share any pleasant, surprising, or warm commonalities? You might be surprised to learn that the early "nice" of your first few dates will turn swiftly into sparks.

5. Leave the List on Your Fridge

It's a good idea to know what you want in a partner, but carrying your top 10 list around in your head, especially during a first date, might prevent you from actually connecting. Instead of nitpicking your date's have-not's, nitpick for the have's. Leave the critic at home and approach your date, open and willing!

6. Watch Your Vibe

Be aware of the vibe you carry and send to others. They will invariably respond to it! If your vibe screams "stay away," better to stay home and hang in your PJs. Many of Macaluso's dating clients wonder why they don't land that second call following their first date. Take responsibility for your vibe: Say what you mean and mean what you say. Make sure your words align with your energy.

7. Give It at Least Four Dates!

Don't expect to have your date figured out after two hours. Think back on your record of past first impressions, have a laugh, and admit how far off base they were. If your date was nice enough, why not try to get to know him/her better? Many of Macaluso's clients were pleasantly surprised to develop an intense attraction to their date after persevering through the first three or four. So can you.

Dating : Ups and Downs

Dating is a process a lot of us really can live without. It's an emotional roller-coaster that can drive you to drink four year-old bottles of Mike's Hard Lemonade from the back of your refrigerator.

Here's my list of the top ups and downs of dating -- and how to feel better about them:

1. Stop the mental post-date recap abuse. You went out with somebody with whom you thought you had a connection, and it turns out you didn't. So now you're going to mentally torture yourself for the next four days trying to figure out what you said wrong. You'll even torture all your friends asking them what you could have done differently. The post-date recap is a form of mental torture. You will never know what that other person is thinking unless they call you. If they don't call, it really does mean that he or she is just not that into you (which is about the only good advice from that ridiculously stupid book).

2. We made out in the parking lot and they never called again. Making out is fun! You needed it. They needed it. Don't beat yourself up that you did it, just realize you did it. Be okay with it. It was a great date. You were in the moment, and you experienced something that you wanted to do.

3. I texted them the next morning and said, "I had a great time last night," and they never texted back. So what? You had a great time last night. So did they. They just woke up, and their post-date recap was different from yours. They probably had a good time, but when they thought about it, the chemistry and the "it" factor wasn't there. It's not about you. At least you were honest. So you did all you can do.

4. Should I have said something different in my voicemail message? You left a voicemail message and now you're replaying it in your head a thousand times. "Should I have said 'Last night was fun' with more enthusiasm? Is that why she's not calling me back?" When it comes to voicemail messages, the shorter the better. From an old sales technique, I always prefer to say, "Last night was fun. I have something really funny to share with you the next time we speak." That's it -- it creates a little bit of intrigue, a little bit of mystery and no mental torture.

5. Who cares what they think? You left the above voicemail message without knowing if you'll ever see them again, and they don't call you back. You start to think, "Now they know that I like them, and they don't like me." So what? Is it better to just sit there and hope and pray they call? I always believe in being honest. You've got to do what feels right for you.

6. Stop giving your power away to one person. If a two-hour date can cause you to give away all your power and confidence, then you need to learn to embrace yourself and love yourself more. This is just one person you went out with for two hours. They don't know what an amazing person you are. The only thing they know is the person they sat across from at the table. Whether they choose to hang with you again isn't the issue. The issue is that one person does not determine your worthiness. You've got to toughen your skin. Rejection is what dating is all about; you can't take it personally. If I go out with someone and I have a great time but they never want to see me again, I'm still a great person the next day.

7. In order to feel better about dating, you need to think abundance. Just because you think you like somebody and they don't call you back, this is not the last person in the world you're going to meet. In order to be a successful dater, you need to practice abundance. The power of abundance is training your mind to realize that if it doesn't work out with one person (or 10 people), there are plenty of other people out there who do want to hang out with a fantastic person like you.

Be Confident in Your Dating Life

Dating question: How does an "average Joe" attract and date beautiful women?

Answer: Read on.

What's the number one thing that all daters are attracted to? Here's a hint: It's the same thing that all women find really desirable. OK, I know what you're probably thinking -- fame, or money, or good looks, right? And yes, women are attracted to these things, but the number one quality that you must possess to market yourself to single women -- and to win with women in general -- is intangible, and you don't have to be a millionaire or to have won the genetic lottery to have it. It's dating confidence. (That's C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E.)

Not coincidentally, confidence is also the key attribute that all professional salespeople must call their own in order to be successful. People do not buy products or services from someone who has no confidence in the products they represent. Remember, in the dating world, the "product you represent" is you! Within the dynamics of dating, you are the salesman, and women are your customers. It's up to you to sell the product with assurance and believability -- with such confidence -- that your customers will want to buy it. Think about it:

Why would a woman have confidence in you if you don't have confidence in yourself? And while you might agree with what I'm saying about confidence, do you apply it in your dating life?

Here's what I mean. If a woman asked you to describe yourself, how would you do it? By saying you're a "typical" guy or an "average Joe"? If so, stop selling yourself short! And go look up "average" in the dictionary: "standard, usual, ordinary, mediocre, not very good." To get my point across, consider this ad statement: "He is a very average director who makes very average movies." I bet you can't wait to buy tickets to this guy's movie, right?

Women don't want the "average" guy any more than you want your "average" girl. Women are attracted to confident, exciting men who have passion. If you want to start winning with women, you must stop talking about yourself like you're an "average guy" and start acting like you're the greatest guy. Attracting women is all about your attitude -- and if you think of yourself as just "average," your attitude needs a boost!

How is your dating attitude projected? Your attitude is projected in the way you walk, talk, and act toward other people. Attitude is the outward reflection of what's going on inside. When you know you're wonderful, it's reflected in everything you do. There's a level of confidence that simply shines through.

Now, an obvious question is, "What if you don't have confidence?"

I should know a thing or two about finding your dating confidence. I wrote an entire book on the subject called " Date Out Of Your League. It's almost entirely dedicated toward helping single men appeal to the most attractive women by achieving a better attitude, and it totally dispels the dating myth that I hear all the time from guys about confidence. The myth goes something like this: Confidence is something that comes naturally. You either have it or you don't. Not true. In fact, very rarely is confidence something you are born with.

Dating confidence is a quality that is learned and acquired. Its growth is gradual and based upon the accumulation of little successes and skills over time. Confidence comes in knowing what to do and when to do it, then in following through and doing it! Because confidence is a characteristic that you can obtain, the important thing is to set the wheels in motion and begin methodically and progressively building it now, and then continue adding to it -- for life.

The biggest contributor to (or detractor of) confidence is attitude. The "Law of Concentration" has proven that you really are what you think. If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you are right! Thought becomes reality, and when you take control of your conscious mind and purposely think of who you want to be rather than who you aren't, and focus on what you want rather than what you're afraid you can't have, you will have taken a huge leap toward success.

OK, so you can see how confidence affects your attitude, and attitude affects whether or not you get your ideal woman along with just about everything else you want in life. But you still don't have it. What to do now?

Start by implementing a plan of dating action that will help your confidence.

1. Squash negative thoughts. While we may all have self-doubt at times, when it overruns your life, or dictates your decisions, you've let it go too far. It's within your power to put these feelings aside and opt for more positive, optimistic ones. Plus, women can sense negativity and insecurity from a mile away, and it's a turn-off.

2. Have a goal. Don't wander aimlessly through life with no plans and no direction. Get focused on something, anything, and move toward it. Find your passion. Women feel passionately about passionate men. Whether it's your career, or art, or, well, just about anything, we like it when you're moved by something. And yes, even sports count, though they may not be at the top of our lists.

3. Believe in your own dating greatness. This one is the result of the first two. You don't have to do anything in order to get confident except follow through with your plan of action. A guy who thinks he's fantastic without being too arrogant is intoxicating to women. Trust me, you'll see.

Dating Tips : Advance From Friend to Boyfriend

An interesting dating topic that always seems to come across my desk involves guys who have female friends they want to date. I get all versions of this dating question: "How do I get out of the friend zone and into the boyfriend zone?"

This topic is especially interesting to me right now because I am currently dating a woman with whom I started out being just friends. When I first met her, she was actually dating somebody else.

So how did I go from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone? Did I subliminally do some mind tricks to convince her that dating me would be a far better experience than the one she was having with her boyfriend? Absolutely not. What I did was I got to know her to get into the boyfriend zone.

Here are four tips to help you get a woman to look at you in a different way:

1. Don't sell yourself. If you meet and become friends with a woman who has a boyfriend, don't sell yourself to her at all. Get to know her over a period of time. If a woman is attracted to you as a person, she could become attracted to you as a significant other. It all depends on where she is in her life.
   We all know that many relationships tend to "go south" and end. The problem is that a lot of single men will meet a woman who is in a relationship and decide not to befriend her at all. I'm not suggesting that you become the shoulder she comes to cry on when things are going wrong with her boyfriend. But you can get to know her as a person, because you never know where life may lead you down the road. So don't be a salesman, and don't berate her boyfriend. Be yourself. Have a good time with her, and see if natural chemistry develops between you. When you are genuine and take the time to get to know her as a person, she might start to look at you in a different light and end her relationship.
2. Don't be afraid to express yourself. If you've already been friends for a long time and she's never thought about you in a romantic way, there's a good chance she'll never think of you romantically. The way so many guys get themselves into the eternal friend zone is that they play it too safe when they first meet a woman. They act in a very passive-aggressive way toward her. They are so afraid of expressing any indication of their romantic interest that they go out of their way not to express any feelings toward her at all. For example, instead of really asking the woman out on a date, they ask her to hang out in a group. You will always end up in the friend zone in this situation, because you have never asked her out on a real date. If you're interested in a woman, you need to ask her out so it's clear to her that you are interested.
3. Be patient. Stop thinking about immediate gratification all the time. Not every woman you meet today is going to want to go out with you tonight. Think of befriending women as building a portfolio of interesting people with whom you can get together in the future. You need to treat the single woman you meet as long-term investments. Just enjoy getting to know her as a person right now, because you never know what may happen. Chemistry just might spark between the two of you.
4. Be direct. Don't ever ask a woman's friends to tell you about what she is thinking, and in particular do not ask them what she thinks about you. If you've got a crush on a female friend of yours, you need to call her and say, "You know what? I want to go out with you. You and I need to hang out alone." Make it clear to her that you want to go out on a date with her. It doesn't matter if she says yes or if she says no. It just matters that you take the chance. You will define the relationship one way or another, and then you can move forward.

Dating takes a lot of patience and perseverance. The best things in life, in fact, tend to pay off when you have patience and perseverance. No one is ever completely successful the first time they do something.

So start being willing to take your time. Take time to look at all the single woman you've met in your life, and think about whether any of them stick out as being someone you'd like to get to know again. Perhaps she's someone you became friends with when you first met. Send her a text or call her on the phone. Who knows? She might be more receptive to you the second time around.

Perfect Your Dating Approach With a "Prop"

How many times have you been out and a hottie catches your eye? Instead of approaching her, you sit there paralyzed, wondering what to do. Sure, you could say "hello"... but then what? Time and time again you come up with nothing and wind up alone, watching her leave.

This "self-sabotage" is easy to avoid with a simple, surefire technique I've been teaching for years: Use "props" to strike up conversations with women, and you'll never have a missed opportunity again. Props are anything nearby you could use to start or maintain a conversation.

Here are five examples:

1. She has a great dog, so you pet the dog and ask, "What's your dog's name?" Obviously she will tell you, to which you can comment on how sweet the dog is and the conversation should naturally unfold.

2. You're in a cafe and she has a newspaper. You can ask, "Do you mind if I read that section when you're done?" When she gives it to you, ask, "Anything exciting I should read first?"

3. On an airplane, ask to borrow a pen. If you're feeling really courageous, once you've got her pen, shake her hand and say very seriously, "Nice to meet you, I'm ranked #2 among America's Most Wanted Pen Thieves. Ever seen it?" Sure it's kinda cheesy, but it's also the kind of off-the-wall thing women love.

4. At a diner, ask her if you can borrow the salt from her table. When she gives it to you, say, "Thanks, I saw you eyeballing it so I thought I'd help out by removing the temptation for you. Salt is very bad for you, ya know," as you proceed to douse your own food with it -- another one that's sure to get some laughs.

5. In a bank line, you can even use the lack of customer service on the part of the tellers as a prop. Why? Because it gives you something to talk about -- that's exactly what props are for.

Props remove the most difficult part of starting a conversation. You don't have to be clever. You don't have to be funny. You don't need to use a pick-up line. All you need to do is be aware of your environment and find something to talk about.

How to Navigate the First Date

The first date can be a disaster if you do it wrong. From the predate to the follow-up, keep in mind this six-step dating guide on how to do it right.

1. The Predate

• Dress for the occasion, but more important, dress to show respect. Reminder: It's still better to overdress.
• Easy on the cologne. Avoid novelty ties. Arm yourself with the tools of modern chivalry.

2. The Pickup

• Be on time.
• Go to the door.
• Do not bring flowers -- it's outdated. You may, however, bring a small, thoughtful gift that you did not purchase from Wicks 'n' Sticks or B. Dalton Bookseller.

3. The Drive

• If you're taking a cab, you should open the door for her, give the directions, and pay.
• While amusing, avoid that bit where you go and then stop and pretend to drive away without her.
• No music -- try talking.
• If you find the ensuing silence unbearable, you may put on music, but avoid the following: a) talk radio; b) anything in which R. Kelly describes something overtly about intimacy; c) playlists consisting entirely of songs that feature her name.

4. The Restaurant

• Open the door for her. In case of revolving doors, you go first.
• Wait until she's seated to take your seat. At fancier joints, it's the waiter's job to help her with her chair, not yours.
• Never order for her. And never present a coupon to the waiter while saying, "And the lady will have something of equal or lesser value."
• Sharing food: If she suggests it, you're doing it.
• Pay. If she offers to help, say something sincere like, "It's my pleasure," not something you think is witty, like, "I'll consider this a down payment for later, if you know what I mean!"

5. The Walk

• Walk at her pace.
• Tradition dictates that you should walk on the outside of her to avoid puddle splashes and runaway carriages, but feel free to disregard this unless your date takes place in Colonial Williamsburg (not advised).
• Offer her your arm. It's chivalrous and also a good way to initiate contact.
• Be a man. Make your move. May God be with you.
• You're not going inside. Unless she suggests it.

6. Following Up

• No texting. Call the next day. Two days, tops.
• If she answers the phone, thank her for a great night and schedule a second date.
• If you get voice mail, thank her and ask her to call you back.
• If she answers the phone "Sam's Pizza" and pretends you've got the wrong number, all bets are off.

What's Behind the Trend of Women Dating Younger Men?

There appears to be a trend of older women dating younger men, notably illustrated by celebrity couples including Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, and the most recent fling between 48-year-old Linda Hogan and 19-year-old Charlie Hill. According to a study of 50,000 women daters over 30, conducted by an online dating site in 2007, more than one-third of the subjects showed interest in men at least 5 years younger. And in 2003, an AARP survey revealed 34 percent of 3,500 women (between ages 40 and 69) dated men who are 10 or more years younger than themselves. This trend appears to be shocking to some people, but I don't find it so unusual.

Socially, there's a role reversal of sorts going on, women are more powerful now than ever before and may want men who are younger, and perhaps, more flexible; men who can handle it if the woman's career and lifestyle takes priority over their own. Media portrayals in "Sex and the City" (like movie characters Smith Jerrod and Samantha Jones) and "Desperate Housewives" are also showing women that dates don't have to be older. Women who have high-powered careers -- or a well-developed self-image -- are exercising more choice. Women who have been divorced and are established single moms may enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with; who doesn't try to control her.

Can these older woman/younger man relationships last?In my counseling office, I have seen many relationships succeed with this kind of older woman/younger man scenario.

The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a partnership that works.

Age difference is an adolescent worry: When you're a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a vast difference in your experience and your outlook on life. Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience. In addition, for the young, the social reaction to such a relationship is often negative. If one partner is underage, a sexual relationship is even against the law.

But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to equalize your relationship skills and resources. A 10-year or more difference in your ages makes little difference in how well you can conduct your relationship.

Don't focus on an arbitrary numbers difference in your ages. If you are getting along, you have good communication and problem solving, and you love each other, that's a precious thing, and far more important than any age difference could be. If other people have a problem with it, let it be their problem.

Whether or not a relationship is healthy is not determined by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A 10-year difference is not too difficult to bridge, but a 20-year differences or more in age can lead to some difficulties as the partners get older. For example, the younger partner may mature and reconsider his or her choices, or an older partner may confront aging problems much sooner. But, as long as both parties are adult, and the couple has talked about their age difference and the future possibilities, I don't make judgments about their respective ages.

Dealing with the generation gapThere are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone of a different generation.

One inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is fear of aging on the older person's part. A younger partner isn't going to reverse the aging process or protect you from old age. Obviously, a man or woman who dates someone as young as his or her children is going to run into some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within the couple's relationship are differing maturity levels.

As more and more women choose younger partners for relationships, the question arises: Are women in their late 30s and early 40s likely to be successful with partners who are 10 to 15 years younger than themselves?

Success in these relationships depends on what the motivations of both people are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries and like to date people who are as active as they are. Chronological age doesn't always reflect either physical capability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference creates a mentoring relationship the older person advises the younger one on life or career. This can backfire if and when the younger person decides he or she has learned enough, and wants to move on.

If you're asking: "Is it OK for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than I am?" You'll do better off if you forget about your ages and concentrate on whether the relationship works for both of you, or not. What really makes a romantic relationship succeed is the emotional connection.

Dating Tips: 9 Flirting Moves That Work

These opinions on common flirting techniques singles use from the standpoint of both sexes.

Flirting Move #1: The Longer-Than-Normal Eye Gaze

Erin says: This works, but don't stare him down. Hold the gaze for no more than five seconds, and make sure to smile. I've reeled 'em in countless times this way. It's like a green light. You're silently expressing interest and inviting him or giving him permission to come over.

Ryan says: This is the easiest and most effective way to signal your interest from across the bar, and it is the only excuse a self-confident guy needs to make a move.
Flirting Move #2: The Wink

Erin says: The wink can be friendly or cutesy, but if you really want to stop him in his tracks, modify it. Try the slow wink. You close your eyelid and then open it slowly, and at the same time roll your shoulder forward and lift your chin, like you're laughing in slow-motion. But just know that this move is lethal, and it sends a message loud and clear. You might as well give him your room key. I've never used it on a stranger.

Ryan says: The wink is good in theory but difficult in practice. I'm not very good at winking, so I've never pulled this move -- and if I saw a girl do it, I'd assume she had a twitch.

Flirting Move #3: The Hair Flip

Erin says: I don't do this because I'm from Southern California and already get the words "ditz" and "Valley girl" thrown at me quicker than I can say, "Like, omigod." But I've been told that single men get excited when you touch your hair.

Ryan says: So, like, you're totally hitting on me, right? When I think "hair flip," I think ditzy. Sorry.

Flirting Move #4: The Oral Fixation (sucking a lollipop, licking lips, etc.)

Erin says: Always, always do this at some point in the evening. Men imagine that lollipop or Popsicle is... well, you probably get the gist. Warning: Use this move sparingly -- if you spend the whole night perfecting the move, it looks a little over-the-top.

Ryan says: Do single women actually do this? I mean, outside of movies? If so, I've been missing out big-time. [Editor's note: Ryan, have you met Erin? See above.]

Flirting Move #5: The Mirror (i.e., if you lean in, she leans in)

Erin says: I do this in job interviews, and a date is essentially a job interview. If a guy isn't interested, he'll sit back. So why should you sit forward and look all anxious and desperate? Sit back! But if he leans in to hang on your every word, by all means, lean in right back.

Ryan says: This is one of my favorite techniques -- subtle but effective. It works well when paired with a slight smile and eye contact.

Flirting Move #6: The Whisper

Erin says: Teachers change their volume to get your attention. Often they get quieter instead of raising their voices. It works for them, and it can work for you. When you whisper to a man, he has visions of you whispering in the dark. In bed. Do it.

Ryan says: A while ago I was at a party with a date and she leaned over and whispered, "Let's get out of here" in a really seductive voice. Just thinking about it still gives me shivers -- in a good way.

Flirting Move #7: The "Accidental" Touch

Erin says: I've been told this is disarming -- in a good way. I'm quite the "unaware toucher," but I always make sure the guy accidentally touches me first. That gives me some idea of his interest. Ninety-five percent of the time, if he likes me, he'll touch my arm or leg, usually as a way to emphasize something he's saying. Look for his first accidental touch about an hour into the date (any sooner and he's probably not the most respectful guy).

Ryan says: I'm too shy to bust this out early in a relationship, but I love when single women do it to me.

Flirting Move #8: The Smile

Erin says: Always smile. Most men love happy drama-free, toothsome women. It's the best move you can make.

Ryan says: If a gaze followed by a smile doesn't bring him over, trust me, he's not interested.

Flirting Move #9: The Footsie Play

Erin says: I have never done this. If you want to pull a Mrs. Robinson and seduce some young boy, go for it. But it's pretty brazen and kind of cheesy. I'm never that forward. Also, some people have a foot fear -- it's the anti-foot fetish.

Ryan says: It's very aggressive. If bad '80s comedies are any guide, this move should be saved for large family dinners as a way to antagonize relatives, like when you're sitting across from creepy Uncle Melvin.

Make Successful Date Under 20 Bucks!

If you're not careful, dating can be a really expensive pastime. To impress your date, you may pull out all the stops -- fancy meals on the town, lavish trips, or high-priced events. But in many cases, there's no need to spend tons of money to create a fantastic date.

For instance, think of all the favorite dates you've experienced. I'm guessing some of them were memorable moments that didn't cost you a lot of money. As long as a date features an activity you and your date enjoy together, there's no need to splurge for every occasion.

I've devised a simple list of 20 date ideas for under 20 dollars.Whether you want adventure, romance, outdoor exploration, or cultural exposure, there are plenty of low-cost options to choose from.

Adventurous Dates:

1) Play tourist in your city for a day. Buy a guidebook and discover interesting walking tours.

2) If you and your date enjoy photography, pack your cameras and go on a photography adventure together.

3) Dine at an affordable restaurant offering Eastern cuisine -- like Chinese or Indian -- and enjoy a cheaper and more exotic meal than your usual date fare.

4) Check out your local paper or the Internet for free events or festivals in your area.

5) Visit your city's famous landmarks that you probably take for granted or haven't seen since you were a little kid!

Romantic Dates:

1) Hang out at a cozy or charming cafe for a dessert and a drink.

2) Meet for a glass of wine at a wine bar in an interesting area before taking a stroll in the neighborhood.

3) If you've hung out a few times... invite your date over and make a gourmet pizza together.

4) Take a Salsa dance class, which is often cheap or free.

5) Rent a rowboat with your date on a sunny day.

Outdoor Dates:

1) Go on a bike ride or walk that includes a destination offering ice cream or a cold drink.

2) Shoot hoops, play frisbee, or rollerblade. Sports are great for competitive flirting!

3) If one or both of you have a dog, visit a dog park together.

4) Plan a picnic. Impress your date with a fun dish.

5) Go fly a kite (just don't tell your date that or he/she may get offended...)

Cultural Dates:

1) Check out your city's indie bands. It's a great way to support local musicians and the cover is cheap.

2) Go see live comedy. Even if it stinks, you'll still laugh.

3) See an old film at a repertory movie house.

4) Attend a lecture or a workshop on a topic that you're both interested in learning more about.

5) Enjoy a gallery or museum together (many galleries even have pay what you can).

When planning your next date, remember that you can have fun without spending lots of money. Instead of succumbing to a lavish dating routine, substitute the ordinary extravagance with one of my creative options.

Dating Challenge: Crossing the 'Friend Zone'

 

You've had feelings for your friend for a while and you're worried about crossing the line and ruining the friendship. That's not really true, of course, but that's what you keep telling yourself so you can justify not putting yourself on the line and risking rejection.

Sure -- it's possible to love a friend of the opposite sex without picturing him or her in bed. Having feelings for your friend doesn't necessarily prove Harry's theory in "When Harry Met Sally" who famously declared that "No man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

There are exceptions to Harry's rule, but one thing is certain -- being seen as just a friend by all the people you want to date can be frustrating. So here are a few ways to prevent being stuck in (cue scary music): 'The Friend Zone':

1. Do Flirt

It's okay if romance is on your brain when you greet your friend. In fact, it can fuel the chemistry. It's good for your friend to catch you subtly checking him or her out. As long as you're not drooling or gawking, it can be sexy. You want your friend to think he or she imagined the look. Light touching and sincere and specific compliments are great for flirting, too.

2. Don't Be the Problem Solver

Are you on speed dial every time your friend needs something fixed or wants to process a bad relationship? It's nice to help your friend occasionally, but make sure you're not the one he or she associates with problems.

If you do come over to help, mention that you're happy to assist for an hour but have plans after that. Better to remain a little mysterious and have your friend wondering who else is getting your attention.

3. Have Fun

Create unique memories. You're aware of your friend's passions, so initiate fun and interesting activities that you know your friend will enjoy but isn't doing with others.

And -- if someone has dumped you, confide in a friend you don't have feelings for! Remember to keep an upbeat attitude and stay confident -- those are two of the most attractive qualities cited by singles when looking for a mate.

Of course, not every friendship ends with a romantic happy ending and you may have to be prepared that your crush just wants to stay your friend. You'll have to decide if that's enough for you.

In the meantime, if you feel like you often end up in the friend zone with people you want to date, plant some of these seeds and see if anything grows in your relationship. Sometimes a glass of wine or a flirtatious exchange can change the dynamic... and you look at each other and wonder why it took so long.

Dating Older Women :: Perspectives from the "younger men" and dating tips for them

The reasons why some men date older women are as varied as the women themselves. These women, because of their experience, often have more wisdom and self-assurance than younger women -- perhaps they may also possess more self-reliance and tolerance.

Some men receive mentoring from older women, who have had more relationship experience and often understand men well. Clearer about who they are and what they want, "older women" may even have an advantage in the dating arena.

In some cases, having a relationship with an older woman may work for men who don't want children:

"My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years," says Rocco. "She was 53 and I was 41 when we met. We both shared many values, including our faith. Our children are grown up now, and mine love her. So, it's worked out very well. I tell men who have been divorced at least once to go for an older woman... If you find the right one, don't worry about age -- unless you still want more children."

A man who dates someone who has children his age will run into the occassional social opposition. But there are men (like Ben, 25, who is dating a 45-year-old woman) who can overcome resistance. Ben says:

"A woman can be 25 and marry a man of 45 or 55 and, hey, whatever. Traditionally, it's been ingrained in our psyches... that's the way it goes, but not the other way around. We've always known that age may be an issue. But now that we've been together for a while, I have a new perspective.

Not all men are comfortable dating older women. Some men, like Clyde, worry about the future. Clyde says:

"I dated a woman who is 15 years older. We dated for a bit and then settled into just enjoying each others company. She has a fit body and is an attractive woman. People said to me, why don't I commit to her if we enjoy each other's company? I told them I worried about how things would feel in 10 years when she's over 60 and I'm in my 40s... And then further down the years."

Through my experience as a therapist and marriage counselor, age difference isn't as important in a relationship as most people think. What counts is whether a couple can create a working partnership and build an enjoyable life together. So, for you men who've fallen head-over-heels in love with an older woman, I've developed nine tips on how to enjoy your newly found romance:

1. Be a gentleman. An older woman wants to be treated with respect, like any woman does. While she might attracted to your rebelliousness or youthful attitude, she still wants you to treat her with good manners.

2. Don't get ahead of yourself. Don't worry about the future until you actually might have one. Take your time and allow the relationship to develop.

3. Stay calm. You may be excited, but don't overdo it. Have fun and enjoy your dates, but don't come on too strong. She has some reservations, too.

4. Be charming. Don't underestimate how powerful your smile can be. Use it often, make eye contact, and keep the conversation flowing. Pay attention to what interests you about your date, and show interest in her opinions, experiences, and activities. Be complimentary whenever possible, and respond intelligently to whatever she says.

5. Don't focus on looks. Give compliments, but focus less on her physical appearance -- she may be anxious about it. And even if you're complimentary, she may worry that you're too focused on looks. She wants to be appreciated for who she is, including her intellect and style. Compliments like "That color is lovely on you," or "You look great tonight" are safer than "You're in great shape."

6. Have fun. Keep your dates simple and have a good time. Focus on being pleasant, and not getting too far ahead of the relationship. Refrain from talking too long about any one subject without inviting a comment from your date.

7. Keep conversation interesting and light. Feel free to talk about anything, including your personal lives, past relationships, and love in general, but don't be the one who brings up the intimate topics first. Be wary of prying too deeply into her private life and secrets, unless the information is voluntarily offered.

8. Avoid talking too much about yourself. Keep your focus on learning about your date. Dole out the boring information about yourself. Punctuate your conversation with questions: "What do you think?" "Has it been that way for you?"

9. Pay attention! Listen to answers to your questions. You have things to learn here! Seek to get to know each other better. No matter how thrilled you may be about her, listening to what she says, watching what she does, and understanding how she feels are the most important things you can do.

NO Matter Who Pays, First Date Must be Cheap

The first date is always very very crucial to the development of any new relationship. If you can manage everything successfully, your first date will be a great one , but you will have a bad time on the other hand if you can't and you will find your relationship almost over!
The things you will do and the place you will select for your very first date should always be under great consideration. For men, it is quite important to keep trying to understand what the lady is thinking or what she wants. You can take her to do something she enjoys and everything else will likely fall into lace. but if you go somewhere boring, you will have a hard time making your beloved happy.

It is our common nature that we always expected a guy to pay for most of the expenses in a first date. The guy should pay, especially if he does the asking, but we encourage even a halfheartedly mumbled attempt by the woman to spring for something like a round of drinks, the tip, 10 percent of the bail bond. This is mainly because such a gesture works wonders to build up a new relationship.

Most often all of the responses were from guys, most o f whom felt victimized to some degree by women who wanted a free lunch, or dinner, or gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow (more about that later). Most Interestingly, no women in the meantime wrote in outraged about how our opinion perpetuates the stereotype of men having to coddle and take care of the opposite sex because they can't even take care of themselves.

In any case, one of the missives stood out from the rest, and not just because it sailed through the transom affixed to a brick. It was from a guy named Rob (we won't identify him further, in case he might ever want to try dating again), who felt we weren't hard enough on women who seem to expect to be wined and dined ad infinitum. To illustrate his argument,

he broke down his expenses fo r a recent first date, from $7 for parking to $95 for a comedy show and drinks. Oh, and with a high-end dinner in between. The total was around $200 for, he said, "someone I barely even know."

To which we can only respond, what, no private jet to Maui for a hot-stone massage in Hana?

Say what you will about who should pay for first dates (please discuss among yourselves, because we're officially sick of the topic), but Rob caused his own problem by going too far, too fast. And that's not something you'll hear very often from this space.

Which brings us to today's lesson: What is an appropriate activity for a first date?

(Let's stipulate that this is not an online-dating first date, for which the only acceptable venue is a Starbucks, or a crowded bar with two exits, preferably one near the restrooms. No, this is a true first date, arrived at only after a certain amount of flirting, emailing and driving by her house 50 times.)

The movies : No. Too much time spent in tortured silence. There will be plenty of opportunity for that later in the relationship.

Gourmet picnic in a verdant meadow : No. This smacks of trying too hard. And what if she doesn't even like beefalo jerky and Coors Light?

Parking, drinks, dinner, comedy show : No. See above. And Rob, enough with the dating cost/analysis spreadsheets. OK? Thanks.

Dinner : Yes. Provided it's at a modest place (sometimes knows as a "joint") that doesn't serve a diminutive entree on a plate the size of a manhole cover. The fact is, most women are uncomfortable with first dates that are too lavish. (Or have we been misinformed yet again? Ladies?)

Bowling : Yes. Because if one of you is demonstrably better than the other, you can put up the gutter bumpers and increase beer frames from one to three. In fact, we recommend that from the outset.

The Boardwalk (or amusement park) : Yes, if it's at night. Everyone looks better in the glow of pulsating neon. Particularly those who've just come from a grueling session at the Stardust Lanes.